Helpers Be Aware!

Do you feel the energy to “fix” whatever is going wrong for another person or your dog?

You believe fixing the problem would solve all of the issues.

The tightly held belief that fixing the problem would eliminate whatever is causing your friend or partner or even your dog heart ache and pain.

Your desire to help and ease the discomfort of who you want to help is a heart centered action.

But, fixing the problem is a one-way approach focused on what the issue is bringing up for the person who is trying to help and not actually helping the other person or animal in need.

The desire to “fix” is because there is something triggering for the person who then responds by approaching the problem with advice, guidance or knowing the answers.

By giving advice and coming up with solutions, this doesn’t consider the other person or dog’s point of view or their agency that they also have answers for themselves.

When the righting reflex is activated it compels the “helper” to take control because the person who is suffering appears to be “helpless” “lost” or “fragile”.

The “righting reflex” is the natural response to fix another person’s problem or issue (Miller, Rollnick 2013).

https://www.aspenpsychologyservices.co.uk/blog/the-righting-reflex-its-dangers-and-how-we-can-avoid-it

Heart centered people want to help, but not being aware of one’s own “righting reflex” can make the other person or your dog’s problem more about you.

That’s the opposite of what you want to do.

The way to really connect with your friend, family member, client or even your dog is not from a fix it mindset, but rather from your own awareness of this natural tendency and then truly showing up in the energy of getting into the other’s shoes or paws or both!

How?

Reflectively reframe how the person or dog is feeling.

Actively listen to what is being said (body language is communication) and what the other person or dogs value.

Reflect back to the person in their words what he or she said. For dogs, understand how the dog feels and advocate for their best interest.

Co-create solutions together.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

My dog “disappointed me”.

This is a heavy sentiment.

When any of my clients share this experience of their dog with me, I get curious.

I ask questions like, “what about your dog is disappointing you?”.

The surface answer is, when my dog has a potty accident, when my dog is barking and lunging, when my dog chews up my favorite shoes, when my dog……my dog is bad.

I still ask curious questions.

What comes up for the clients I work with is often their sense of responsibility. When their dog has an accident inside the home, it is like they didn’t do enough to prevent this from happening. They feel shame or guilt about not getting to their dog fast enough, their dog was confused about where to go, its raining outside and they haven’t got the bandwidth to think creatively on how to help their dog be successful.

When the dog potties, then it becomes easier to blame the dog.

For other clients, people pleasing comes up. When the client’s dog is barking and lunging, the client sees the dog as being bad because the other person the dog is barking at feels offended. In turn, the client sees their dog as a barrier to someone liking or accepting them.

I get curious here too and ask clients questions which guide them to make connections to what’s going on for them.

What clients discover is it less about what their dog is doing, but rather an old belief about themselves surfacing and inviting them to re evaluate.

Like any relationship, our relationship with our dogs is a mirror for ourselves and by being open to what is reflecting back to us, can we see ourselves more clearly.

I’m curious, what do you want to do with what your dog is reflecting back to you?

Choosing Connection in Conflict

Do you ever feel like you are butting heads with your significant other, or close friend or even your furry companion?

The tendency to disconnect in conflict is tangible.

Disconnect bleeds into dischord and then it becomes us versus them.

In this mindset, conflict can drive a wedge between the two sides without repair, the gap grows larger and beliefs about being right take hold.

We begin to convince ourselves that its the other person or even our dog that is causing us so much pain and grief.

But, conflict doesn’t have to lead to distancing ourselves from those we love, including ourselves.

When we lean into love and invite in connection into conflict, we can heal the things that divide us.

When we are coming from a place of loving connection, we are more willing to communicate and receive feedback without judgment or ridicule.

Take a pause and embrace the ones you love that you may be struggling to find common ground.

Take a moment and ground yourself what your true desire is and create an expression of this feeling.

If you desire closeness with your dog, but your dog has a different agenda, then what will encourage your dog to seek you out?

If you find yourself at odds with a relationship at work, ask yourself, what do you need and see what shows up.

Conflict happens within us and all around us.

You can make the choice of how you want to handle it in your life and with the ones you love.

Which will you choose?