Support: Are You Willing to Receive?

This past year, I’ve set an intention for myself to ask for support when I need it and for things that I feel confused or frustrated by or want guidance to do things differently.

Asking for support doesn’t come easily to me.

I’ve learned at a very young age that asking for help or just asking a question was like walking into a minefield.

I learned to be attuned to how one of parent’s answered my pre question of “can I ask you something?” Depending on her response and the way she answered, gave me information of to stay away or to ask.

I was also a shy kid and felt vulnerable and exposed when I would even think of raising my hand in class in elementary school that followed me almost through my graduate program.

I prided myself on being fiercely independent and doing things myself.

Instead, I was avoiding feeling the pain of vulnerability and by avoiding the felt experience, I continued to feel the weight of the burden like they were a bag of boulders I was carrying around for decades.

Not asking for support was detrimental to me.

It inhibited trust I have for myself.

As I’ve been intentionally asking for support over the past year, the experience hasn’t been easy.

It’s felt awkward, I felt embarrassed, my questions were muddled because I wasn’t grounded in my body, but rather disconnected from myself and the shame of feeling vulnerable of asking the question rattled me.

Last week, was eye opening.

I stayed open to what the entirety of the experience was like when I had a chance to ask for support.

I initially felt resistance. My gremlins showed up and was like “nope, don’t do this, you don’t want this, it feels strange and DANGER!”

I still pushed.

When I asked my question(s), I felt my face get hot, my voice changed, my question was incoherent (from my perspective-which only fueled the judgment for myself).

When I made the choice to observe myself without judgement, I received insight that shame was keeping me from pushing through to the other side of this.

When I spoke to the shame and acknowledged it, I felt another layer of my limiting belief I had for myself get released.

The bag of boulders I was carrying around, were dropped to the side and my body felt lighter and more settled.

Even more so, sharing my experience and having open conversation about my shame gremlins surrounding asking for support, I see I’m not alone.

I’ve shared my experience with fellow coaches and even my husband.

Being able to acknowledge how shame kept me from expanding my world when I didn’t ask a question, my husband shared similar stories too.

Wow.

The power of connection and sharing vulnerability with someone(s) I trust, deepened my confidence in myself, highlighted my courage and also opened the door for others to do the same.

Now, with having this real and frank conversation with my husband about what asking for support means, we can be more aware of what stories are showing up for each of us and it allows for us to show more compassion to what the other’s experience is in the moment.

Sharing my vulnerability with others, creates a safe place for others to do the same. The healing ripples of acknowledging the shame and using the energy into something positively productive is transformational!

Good by bag of boulders! Hello spaciousness, creativity, freedom and peace!

Here are some ways support is available to you! It’s up to you to take the next step.

Community Connections Monthly Membership Group

Phenix Advocacy Center for Members (We open 3 April), you can follow the Phenix Advocacy Center before then.

Coaching Support

Stress As A Motivator for Change-Your Choice

A previous client reached out to me for some guidance on how to help her dog have a successful greeting with a visiting family member.

She acknowledged her dog, Flaco has a harder time meeting men than women and the family member visiting is her dad.

This certainly created stress for Sandra. This was her comfort zone talking.

Sandra remained focused on being proactive and motivated to use the stress she felt about this new situation to set herself and Flaco up for success right from the start.

We discussed a game plan.

Sandra put the pieces together of how to have slow introductions, giving Flaco some space and of course how to bridge the divide of making her dad the best thing in Flaco’s eyes.

We also discussed roadblocks.

Roadblocks like what if the greeting takes longer than necessary? What if Flaco struggles with her dad staying with them?

Even though roadblocks and what other options you have available aren’t ideal, they do give the mind some relief when the gremlins come knocking.

The gremlins are there saying, “this won’t work”, “you won’t be successful” ect. By talking about roadblocks, this gives the mind some relief about what may go wrong, it also opens up space for the person to take action in the direction where they want to go.

Sandra’s action plan for Flaco was a success!

According to what Sandra shared about her game plan, she “made sure he was walked earlier in the day so well regulated (got his potty time in) and also fed him.

Her dog walker (who is well versed in force free approaches) came to take Sandra’s other dog for a walk. Sandra is well aware of how Hollyn becomes excited in new situations, so giving Flaco more of an opportunity to have a calmer greeting.

Sandra asked her dad (so lovely he followed her instructions), to stand still and sideways when Flaco came out. Flaco had an easy time meeting her dad and seemed to like him too.”

They hit a roadblock when Hollyn was reintroduced. Flaco became unsure about her dad.

Her dog walker swung into action and played Engage/Disengage in the kitchen with Flaco until he was more comfortable.”

Using the stress of doing something new by creating an action plan gives you an opportunity to grow and move through your comfort zone.

As you can see, there was a hiccup. The game plan accounted for a roadblock like this and they used their knowledge of the skills they practiced and put it to work when a less than ideal situation occurred.

Sure enough, Flaco and Sandra’s dad are buds!

Receiving support can help you achieve your goals. Set up your Discovery Call with me!

Healing Shame with Empathy and Kindness

I bristle at the question, “can you fix my dog?”

I recognized my resistance to that question prevented me from truly reaching the person in front of me.

“Can you fix my dog?” Implies that the dog is bad.

Shame is the belief that there is something wrong with the person or in this case, wrong with the person’s dog.

As I’ve shared in other posts, often we see the reflection of ourselves in what our dogs are doing. Rather than showing ourselves and our dogs kindness and compassion, we blame and shame our dogs for being dogs much like we may believe ourselves to be bad or unworthy.

As I leaned into my resistance instead of running away or avoiding it, I saw that there was much more underneath the surface than I realized.

There’s a tendency when a person experiences the sensations of shame is then to shift the blame on to someone else because shame feeds off of shame.

The person on the receiving end of the blame and shame feels less than because they don’t know “enough” or are made to feel they aren’t doing “enough”.

When a professional addresses the “fixing” mindset, they are bypassing what the person in front of them is feeling because they go straight into training, education or consultant mode.

When we move past empathizing with the felt experience of the person or client, we devalue the feelings of the client in front of us which only leads to constructing roadblocks and barriers preventing the client in understanding the emotional needs of the companion dog.

The person’s needs go unnoticed and this is reflected into the person not recognizing the needs of their dog.

Ultimately the client and their dog are left in their own suffering.

You don’t need to have had the same experience as your client to connect with the person in front of you. Neither of you need to have the same experience as their dog, and how could you!

We are all different, shaped by different lived experiences.

But, you can draw on and connect with the feelings of what another person or even a dog can experience.

We’ve all experienced feelings one way or another like despair, anguish, sadness, desperation, disappointment, frustration as well as also experiencing joy, peace, excitement, proud, optimistic in various moments of our lives.

You know how your body hurts and feels heavy when there is grief or loneliness.

You also know how light and energized when you’re feeling playful and excited about the day.

Empathy isn’t fixing what you or your dog is feeling.

Empathy is understanding and creating connection with another (professional to client so the client can empathize with their dog). It comes down to receiving empathy to your feelings, so you can better understand what your dog is going through and then taking heart centered action to guide your dog in changing his or her emotional responses so your dog can make the behavior changes from there.

Being able to empathize with your companion animal opens up space for you to experience vulnerability with another being that won’t judge your thoughts, but rather show you unconditional love which you can learn to do the same in return.

Love and connection is the antidote for shame.

Meeting the hardwired desire for connection with others (including our dogs) heals the human and animal bond.

Trust is born when you make a choice to show yourself compassion and kindness and extend the same to others which undoubtedly includes your dogs.

Curious about how support can help you with creating empathetic connections? Set up a time to chat with me!