Healing Shame with Empathy and Kindness

I bristle at the question, “can you fix my dog?”

I recognized my resistance to that question prevented me from truly reaching the person in front of me.

“Can you fix my dog?” Implies that the dog is bad.

Shame is the belief that there is something wrong with the person or in this case, wrong with the person’s dog.

As I’ve shared in other posts, often we see the reflection of ourselves in what our dogs are doing. Rather than showing ourselves and our dogs kindness and compassion, we blame and shame our dogs for being dogs much like we may believe ourselves to be bad or unworthy.

As I leaned into my resistance instead of running away or avoiding it, I saw that there was much more underneath the surface than I realized.

There’s a tendency when a person experiences the sensations of shame is then to shift the blame on to someone else because shame feeds off of shame.

The person on the receiving end of the blame and shame feels less than because they don’t know “enough” or are made to feel they aren’t doing “enough”.

When a professional addresses the “fixing” mindset, they are bypassing what the person in front of them is feeling because they go straight into training, education or consultant mode.

When we move past empathizing with the felt experience of the person or client, we devalue the feelings of the client in front of us which only leads to constructing roadblocks and barriers preventing the client in understanding the emotional needs of the companion dog.

The person’s needs go unnoticed and this is reflected into the person not recognizing the needs of their dog.

Ultimately the client and their dog are left in their own suffering.

You don’t need to have had the same experience as your client to connect with the person in front of you. Neither of you need to have the same experience as their dog, and how could you!

We are all different, shaped by different lived experiences.

But, you can draw on and connect with the feelings of what another person or even a dog can experience.

We’ve all experienced feelings one way or another like despair, anguish, sadness, desperation, disappointment, frustration as well as also experiencing joy, peace, excitement, proud, optimistic in various moments of our lives.

You know how your body hurts and feels heavy when there is grief or loneliness.

You also know how light and energized when you’re feeling playful and excited about the day.

Empathy isn’t fixing what you or your dog is feeling.

Empathy is understanding and creating connection with another (professional to client so the client can empathize with their dog). It comes down to receiving empathy to your feelings, so you can better understand what your dog is going through and then taking heart centered action to guide your dog in changing his or her emotional responses so your dog can make the behavior changes from there.

Being able to empathize with your companion animal opens up space for you to experience vulnerability with another being that won’t judge your thoughts, but rather show you unconditional love which you can learn to do the same in return.

Love and connection is the antidote for shame.

Meeting the hardwired desire for connection with others (including our dogs) heals the human and animal bond.

Trust is born when you make a choice to show yourself compassion and kindness and extend the same to others which undoubtedly includes your dogs.

Curious about how support can help you with creating empathetic connections? Set up a time to chat with me!

Transformational Testimonial

If you’re on the fence wondering about how working with a professional who is aligned with your values can have a tremendous impact on your life, take a look at how one of my clients shared her experience. Her journey didn’t go as expected or perfectly, but she showed up and took each moment to understand herself, so she can show up for her dogs in an authentic way.

“I initially met with Katherine regarding a foster dog in my care. I wanted to address some basic training needs, but also because I had observed her having aggression toward other dogs.

“I experienced a great deal in working with Katherine. It was supportive and reflective. She challenged me to explore many creative ways to work with my dogs in a loving and supportive way to meet their needs. She also challenged me personally to explore my inner feelings, observations and reactions to the challenges I was facing. She built up my confidence and acknowledged the progress I was making in being a supportive caretaker for my dogs. She also provided knowledge and education into the language of dogs and how to work with them from their perspective. Overall, Katherine provided tools to add to my tool box to enhance the skills and understanding of not only my dogs but myself as well. It was an invaluable experience that I am very grateful for.

The biggest takeaway I received from working with Katherine was that my energy is a direct pathway to working with the dogs. Understanding my reactions and then working toward building the connection to communicate with the dogs for the behavior I desire.

I valued the most the way Katherine was so genuine and her insight into building awareness and connections. I appreciated the feedback during session and after each session she would recap that in a very detailed email. That was incredible.

I am just thankful for Katherine and her insight and guidance. It has been such an amazing experience for me in a personal way. It really is so much more than “dog training”. I really appreciate the holistic approach. I felt like Katherine spoke my language and I loved how she could reflect back what she was picking up on and could expand about what she saw. It was great. She would also provide resources and any relevant information. It was also very nice to have check ins so no matter where you were in the process it was very accessible to get support about challenges, but also simple questions that could be responded to in a very timely manner. Thank you, Katherine!” A.S.

If you’re curious about how you can transform your life with your dogs, let’s chat!

Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance.

A powerful 2 word combo which one of my clients shared with me during their program wrap up session with me.

According to Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectal Behavior Therapy (DBT), “radical acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging.”

What she shared with me in her reflections about what she learned over the course of the last few months working with me, my client said she tried to control all the things in her life from what her dogs may potentially do, to how friends and colleagues perceive her to worrying about what will happen if she doesn’t do x thing(s).

She felt imprisoned by the circumstances of her life. She desired peace and freedom.

She recognized she had specific goals in mind when she first started, but as she moved through the journey, she recognized how life took detours.

Things didn’t evolve as she expected in the beginning.

Fear stopped her in her tracks.

Resistance was the wall blocking her from her own transformation.

What resided on the other side of that wall was peace, ease and freedom.

Fear whispered in her ear, you don’t want that because it will take work, it will require you to do things differently and you have no time.

Her desire for peace and freedom grew, she leaned into the resistance and found that staying in the fear created her suffering.

She also uncovered for herself by leaning into the resistance is how powerful she really is.

She acknowledged fear exists, but rather than giving into it, she took action in spite of it because the suffering in the resistance to change was no longer bearable.

Her confidence grew out of her trust that she can recover and by reminding herself of her purpose.

When I asked her about roadblocks as she progressed, she said her daily practice of centering herself will help her to stay present so she can respond to anything life throws at her with confidence, grace and ease.

She recognizes how there will still be painful experiences in life, but by having radical acceptance and letting go of control, she created her own freedom and peace in her life.

You get to do this too!

Are you willing to let go and step out of fear and break down your wall of resistance?

Let’s chat!